NFL Week 17 Picks

NYT

NYJ @ BUF -3.5 (2 nuts)
CLE +10 @ PIT (3 nuts)
GB @ MIN +3 (3 nuts)

known associate's wtf happened last night picks:
seriously, i feel like i did some hard drugs. 99% sure i didnt.
DAL +3 at was (3 nuts)
gb at MIN +3 (3 nuts)
gb at min OVER 45.5 (2 nuts)
locked in the over in new orleans last night. would've been a pick. also playin pats 1h.
lean cards too.

billy rubin:
dal at WAS -3 (5 nuts)
dal at was OVER 48.5 (5 nuts)

College Bowl Picks Part One

known associate:
starting this off with a degenerate special play for the div III championship!
12.14
st. thomas vs MOUNT UNION -18.5 at salem, va (1 nut)
- tommies 10 purple raiders 28. -1 nut.
degenerate special indeed. and why the fuck was the new mexico bowl at 10am, on a saturday, with only one other bowl game scheduled?
back later this week with more plays...
12.21
ball state vs central florida OVER 59.5 (1 nut)
tease BALL ST +14.5/OVER 52.5 (1 nut)
0-2, -2 nuts.
12.26
CENTRAL MICHIGAN +7 vs western kentucky at detroit (1 nut)
chippewas finished the season stronger and are playing in their home state.
- chippewas 24 hilltoppers 21. +1 nut.
also gonna play this under system in spots. long layoffs lead to rusty offenses while the second half chase provides decent insurance. just small for today's matchup though.
- 2nd half under hit.
12.27
lean under for noon. will take 2h if it's a play.
cincinnati vs DUKE +10 at charlotte (3 nuts)
the pass-happy blue devils are playing their first bowl game in 17 years, led by a 5th year head coach and redshirt senior QB. the bearcats are playing their 4th bowl game in 5 years; without their head coach. they've also surrendered 502 yards per game to the only 2 decent passing teams they've faced this season (syracuse and lousville). cincy is more talented but all other signs point to a motivated duke team pulling off an upset in their home state. these ladies ain't helping though:

lean over for the evening but damn that total is awfully high.
- bearcats 48 blue devils 34. -3 nuts.
this really was the worst beat ever. devils were at the cats 5 with 1:30 to go in a tie game yet somehow lose... by 14! shit like this can't be rigged.
12.28
ohio vs LA MONROE -7 at shreveport, la (1 nut)
the bobcats don't match up well with the warhawks on either side of the ball; lacking both the vertical threat to expose ULM's shaky secondary and the requisite speed in their own defensive backfield to slow down kolton browning and his deep receiving corps. warhawks are also playing in their first bowl game, ever, and in their home state. weather is a concern but i'm posting this now in case i sleep through kickoff. might add a nut in the morn if i don't.
- bobcats 45 warhawks 14. -1 nut.
my match up analysis was on point... except for the opposite teams. no idea how the warhawks beat arkansas and hung with auburn and baylor.
lean tech, two times.
rutgers vs VIRGINIA TECH PK at orlando, fl (1 nut)
taking beamer and his bowl experienced boys over a rutgers team that just choked away it's chance at school history (and a bcs bowl).
- scarlet knights 10 hokies 13. +1 nut.
i thought this bet was dead after rutgers' fluke (and only) td started the scoring. logan thomas isn't an nfl qb.
minnesota vs TEXAS TECH -13 at houston, tx (1 nut)
fade it.
- golden gophers 31 red raiders 34. -1 nut.
told you.
12.29
west virginia vs SYRACUSE +4 at yankee stadium (2 nuts)
- mountaineers 14 orange 38. +2 nuts.
wvu vs syr UNDER 35 first half (1 nut)
doubt geno smith and his boys want to play in the snow (or wintry mix).
- mountaineers 7 orange 12. +1 nut.
tease ARIZONA STATE -6.5/OVER 47.5 vs navy at at&t park (1 nut)
navy is outmanned and under-motivated (after their big win vs army).
lean beavers and spartans.
- midshipmen 28 sun devils 62. +1 nut
12.31
georgia tech vs usc UNDER 31.5 first half at windy el paso, tx (1 nut)
- yellowjackets 7 trojans 7 (7-21 final). +1 nut
CLEMSON +6 vs lsu at georgia dome (1 nut)
- tigers 25 tigers 24. +1 nut

2012 NCAA bowl record (through 12.31):
known associate: 7-6. no nuts

2012 NCAA regular season record:
known associate: 19-17-1. -6 nuts
Blue Whale: 1-5. -12 nuts

NFL Week 16 Picks

known associate:
locking two plays in...
no at dal OVER 52 (3 nuts)
the cowboys offense has been better of late and getting demarco back to top form should only help. more importantly, the saints rank 30th in red zone conversion defense (% of TDs allowed) and they're at their worst on the road; allowing a touchdown 72% of the time. brees should get his.
was at phi OVER 45 (3 nuts)
both teams are pretty shitty defensively in the red zone; ranking 26th or worse. reid and foles have nothing to lose and could be motivated to put on a show in their last home game of 2012. weather shouldn't be a factor.
the giants are probably going to be my third play. also considering browns, the unders in gb and nyj, and the over in seattle.
NYG -2 at bal (1 nut)

billy rubin:
PIT -3 vs CIN (3 nuts)
DAL -3 vs NO (3 nuts)
CHI -7 @ AZ (3 nuts)

NYT

IND -5.5 @ KC (3 nuts)
NO +2.5 @ DAL (3 nuts)
STL +3 @ TB (3 nuts)


records through week 15:
known associate: 17-26-2, -21 nuts (week 15: 0-3, -7 nuts)
nyt: 23-21-1, +9 nuts

NFL Week 15 Picks

NYT

CAR +3 @SD (4 nuts)
TB @ NO -3.5 (2 nuts)
CHI @ GB over 43.5 (2 nuts)

billy rubin:

TB +3.5 vs. NO (2 nuts): yikes, going against NYT again. oh well, josh freeman is a 6'6" black man and drew brees is a 6'0" (listed) white man. advantage (in the pants), freeman.
DEN @ BAL o48 (3 nuts): manning should be good for the lion's share of this and hopefully cam cameron was actually holding back the ravens offense.
IND +10.5 @ HOU (2 nuts): indy isn't nearly as good a team as their record would indicate, and houston should be out to prove something, but i just can't see this being a two score game. over is probably the smarter play for this game, but i just wrote two whole sentences so fuck it.

known associate:
NYG +1 at atl (3 nuts)
- giants 0 falcons 34. -3 nuts
everyone's favorite gay qb and his boytoys played their only complete game of the season but i'm still not buying the falcons as a top superbowl contender. "statement game" my butthole. more like an outlier game.
JAC +7.5 at mia (2 nuts)
- jaguars 3 dolphins 24. -2 nuts
not that i deserved to win this play but this score is a bit misleading. the jags hung with the fins (leading in yardage for most of the game) but turned it over on downs in the redzone three times! also, the final td came very late in game. lol @me for layin nuts on shit teams.
PIT +1 at dal (2 nuts)
- steelers 24 cowboys 27 (ot). -2 nuts
reverse cowboys were 0-6 ats at jerryland this season. i shoulda layed off this game tho. steelers d is aging quick.
also played broncos for 2 nuts.
lol @jim caldwell. i'm far from a cam cameron apologist but it looks like the ravens made a bad situation worse. check caldwell's resume. pretty sure dude has never called plays, ever. he did get outcoached by sean payton in the superbowl tho.
bucs, panthers, bills, niners, texans 1h for lesser nuts.
panthers were the play, bills and bucs are some assclowns on defense. texans really didn't deserve to cover the 1h or the game. go niners tho!
week 15: 0-3, -7 nuts. 


records through week 14:
known associate: 17-23-2, -14 nuts (week 14 1-2 -2 nuts)
21 -20-1, +5 nuts

Get Off My Lawn!! - The Rantings of An Old Man

As the elder statesman of the contributors to this blog, I feel it is my calling to complain about things that draw my ire.  My latest target: NBC's Take It All.  This shit makes me want to send my foot back in time to when these episodes were recorded to kick everyone involved with it in the dick(or equivalent) while the part of me stuck in the present seethes.

more to come...maybe.

NFL Week 14 Picks

NYT

BAL +2.5 @ WAS (2 nuts)
TEN @ IND -5 (3 nuts)
DAL @ CIN -3.5 (3 nuts)


known associate:
atl at CAR +3.5 (3 nuts) straight up win
NO +4.5 at nyg (3 nuts) loss
DET +6.5 at gb (2 nuts) half point loss
titans nearly made the cut.
titans either covered or pushed depending on your line.
smaller plays on pats, browns, skins, jags, eagles.
pats killed. browns covered. skins covered and rg3 threw an incompletion that was more exciting to watch than 99% of alex smith's completions. jags miss cecil shorts, didn't cover. eagles won straight up as dogs.
week 14: 1-2, -2 nuts.

billy rubin:

TEN +5.5 @ IND (2 nuts): i hate to go against not your type, who clearly has the football gods' ears this season, but this weekend is full of crappy games/lines and this is one of the few that stands out to me as a play.
CIN - 3.5 vs DAL (4 nuts): now i'm a little worried about the fact that NYT and i agree on this. hopefully andy dalton employs reverse racism and treats the cowboys like red-headed stepchildren. or just reverse cowboys someone and gets some ball-to-ball action. matt ryan would probably like that.
PHI +7.5 @ TB (2 nuts): i'm not too sure about riding the nick foles train for two weeks in a row, especially in a contest where he likely has the smaller penis between the starting qbs, but all the eagles have to do is lose by only a td. it's not like this is the tampa defense of yore anyway.

records through week 13:
known associate: 16-21-2, -12 nuts
nyt : 21-17-1, +13 nuts

NFL Week 13 Picks

Not Your Type

IND +6 @ DET (3 nuts)
JAX +6.5 @ BUF (2 nuts)
TB @ DEN -7.5 (4 nuts)

And here is a rant:  I think Harry Wofford from Comcast Sports/NBC is a big-ass bag of dicks.  The dude is totally full of shit, yet doesn't know shit.  In a market full of dick-hole broadcasters, he takes the cake(which happens to be in the shape of a dick enveloping another dick).

known associate:
JAC +6.5 at buf (4 nuts)
ind at DET -6 (2 nuts)
cin at SD +1 (2 nuts)

billy rubin:
JAX +6 @ BUG (3 nuts): uh-oh, three of us are in agreement. that is either really good or really bad. chad henne is handsome and justin blackmon has a big dick though, so we should be good. but i seem to recall underestimating ryan fitzpatrick's handsomeness before...
PHI +10 @ DAL (2 nuts): the eagles are crappy, but so are the cowboys. while murray may be back, 10 points is a big nut to cover and all nick foles has to do is avoid be awful. plus dez bryant is a still a genius, a big ol' giant dicked genius.
WAS +3 vs NYG (2 nuts): greasy 3000 definitely has a bigger dick that horse face, jr. 'nuff said.

records through week 12:
billy rubin: 14-21-1, -17 nuts (last week: 2-1, +3 nuts)
nyt: 20-15-1, +14 nuts

NFL Week 12 PIcks

billy rubin:
browns +2 (3 nuts)
ravens pk (2 nuts)
packers +3 (2 nuts)

2-1, +3 nuts

known associate:
PIT -1 at cle (3 nuts)
the steeler d always steps up when big ben is out and old man batch is an upgrade over gimpy leftwich.
- steelers 14 browns 20. -3 nuts.
so maybe d'donte wasn't an upgrade over the gimp. or maybe he was. we'll never know because the steelers (mostly running backs) fumbled the ball 6 times. the browns scored 17 points off turnovers yet only won by 4 points.
atl at TB +1 (3 nuts)
the 9-1 falcons should really be about 6-3 and might be looking ahead to their thursday night matchup against the rival saints. they also can't stop the run. and matt ryan is super gay.
- falcons 24 bucs 23. push.
i still think the falcons should be 7-3, at best. though, their run defense acquitted itself nicely (for 1 game, at least). and they're finally giving jacquizz more touches.
bal at SD pk (3 nuts)
this game doesn't mean much to a ravens team traveling cross country while it's a must win for the chargers.
- ravens 16 chargers 13 (ot). -3 nuts.
fuck this game. the ravens clearly didnt give a shit but the chargers still managed to squander a 10 point 4th quarter lead; with the last 3 points coming after a 4th and 29 (!) conversion on a desperation checkdown. even worse, ray rice probably didnt gain the necessary yardage. upon review, they ruled that his knee was down at the 35 yard line and marked the ball at the 33.5 yard line. that's a distance of 4.5 feet. there is no way there could be 4.5 feet between rice's knee and his arms. that dude is 5'7"! shit like this makes me wanna quit betting on the NFL. not that i will or anything.

also playin over in indy, titans, raiders, dolphins.
and i'll be on the rams. ryan lindley is favored. that's stupid.
i like the saints but fear the harbaugh-calypse.
lean pack.
week 12: 0-2-1, -6 nuts.

nyt:
BUF @ IND -2 (3 nuts)
SEA -3 @ MIA (3 nuts)
ATL -1 @ TB (2 nuts)


records through week 11:
known associate: 16-16-1. +2 nuts (last week: 2-1, +1 nut)
billy rubin: 12-20-1, -20 nuts (last week: 2-1, +3 nuts)
not your type 19-14, +14 nuts

College Football Week 13 Picks

unrelated, fade these...
STANFORD -2.5 at ucla (2 nuts)
the ducks are pounding the beavers so this is a must win for the trees while the bruins are in a letdown spot after toppling the trojans. stanford d-line should dominate.
- cardinal 35 bruins 17. +2 nuts.
TEASE texas a&m -16.5/usc +11.5 (1 nut)
word is billy walters is on the aggies.
- tigers 29 aggies 59/irish 22 trojans 13. +1 nut.
louisiana tech at san jose state OVER 76 (1 nut)
- bulldogs 43 spartans 52. +1 nut.
week 13: 3-0. +4 nuts.

2012 NCAA Record through week 12:
known associate: 16-17-1. -10 nuts (week 11: 0-1, -2 nuts)
Blue Whale: 1-5. -12 nuts

Week 11 (Dick) Pic(k)s

This season is so fun so far! This week promises to bring more fun for everyone, something like the Dayman, ah-aaah!

billy rubin:

i don't know how much time i'll have to devote to research and projections, so i'm going to start early with thursday night football.

MIA +3 @ BUF (3 nuts): i'm pretty sure ryan tannehill is more handsome than ryan fitzpatrick so the buffalo LBs and DBs will alternately be blushing and all boned up when they see tannehill in his tight sexy football pants with his augmented dick protector cup bulge. in my honest opinion, that will be the difference in this game - the bills defense playing with boners because of the handsomeness of the dolphins qb. not to take anything away from fitzpatrick though, because i've heard that he has a reputation for having a giant penis and some of the dolphins defenders might get caught thinking about fitzpatrick's big ol' penis on a play action and lose track of cj spiller, who, i presume, is also well endowed in his crotch. basically, it all comes down to penises, per usual. put your money on that!
CLE +7.5 @ DAL (3 nuts): Surely, Trent Richardson has a big penis, and Tony Romo must have a small one, which is why he's always got a new girlfriend - can't keep them satisfied. Plus, Dez Bryant is too busy working on his doctorate to learn his routes. Reverse Cowboy all day!
SD +7.5 @ DEN (3 nuts): Peyton Manning might have the face of a horse, but I doubt that extends to the rest of his anatomy. Philip Rivers didn't get his last name by not being a prolific ejaculator. The luck of the Irish will not be with Willis McGahee this week.

2-1, +3 nuts

known associate:
gb at det OVER 52 (4 nuts)
rodgers and stafford indoors against banged up defenses.
bal at PIT +3.5 (3 nuts)
last play came down to cards, pats, raiders, panthers, or...
CLE +7 at dal (2 nuts)


nyt:
TB -1.5 @ CAR (4 nuts)
CLE +7 @ DAL (3 nuts)
JAX +15 @ HOU (3 nuts)


records through week 10:
known associate: 14-15-1. +1 nut (last week: 2-1, +3 nuts)
nyt: 16-14, +4 nuts
billy rubin: 10-19-1, -23 nuts (last week: 0-3, -7 nuts)

College Football Week 12 Picks

congrats buster.
known associate:
tennessee at vanderbilt OVER 60 (2 nuts)
will probably be on the trees too.
- vols 18 commodores 41. -2 nuts.
bleh. trees shocked it though.

2012 NCAA Record through week 11:
known associate: 16-16-1. -8 nuts (week 10: 1-2, -2 nuts)
Blue Whale: 1-5. -12 nuts

NFL Week 10 PIcks: akaFRANK Edition

known associate:
i'm looking at 4 dogs (panthers, titans, bengals and saints) but will wait til the a.m. to lock in any plays as i'm expecting favorable line moves.
denver at CAROLINA +3.5 (3 nuts)
- broncos 36 panthers 14. -3 nuts.
new york giants at CINCINNATI +4 (3 nuts)
- giants 13 bengals 31. +3 nuts.
TENNESSEE +7 at miami (3 nuts)
- titans 37 dolphins 3. +3 nuts.
also playin saints.
- week 10: 2-1, +3 nuts.

Not Your Type
SD @ TB -3 (3 nuts)
DEN -3.5 @ CAR (3 nuts)
OAK @ BAL -7.5 (3 nuts)
3-0, +9 nuts

billy rubin:
i didn't really get to do too much research or analysis this week, and clearly not before any of the morning games, so here goes nothing:
NYJ @ SEA o38.5 (3 nuts)
StL @ SF u37.5 (2 nuts)
SF -13 vs StL (2 nuts) - my projections actually have the rams covering, but screw it, i'm a niner fan (until they start playing games in lowly santa clara)

0-3, -7 nuts

records through week 9:
known associate: 12-14-1. -2 nuts (last week:1-2, -3 nuts)
nyt: 13-14, - 5 nuts
billy rubin: 10-19-1, -16 nuts (last week: 1-1-1, +1 nut)

NFL Week 9 PIcks

billy rubin:

The NFL has been an enigma to me this year and I anticipate Week 9 being no different. There are a couple early games I like, so I figure I'll get those on here tonight and add my third pick sometime tomorrow.

mia @ ind u43 (3 nuts): miami's a pretty good d going against a good, but still young and inexperienced QB. indy is a bad defense going against a pretty bad offense. i am hoping those particular matchups sufficiently suppress scoring on sunday. alliteration!

bal @ cle u44.5 (3 nuts): the ravens have a good offense, but cleveland has a surprisingly good defense. cleveland's offense has shown signs this year and baltimore's defense is far from elite these days, but i think this should be a tight game with tons of non-scoring fo dat ass.

buf @ hou o47.5 (2 nuts)

1-1-1, +1 nut

known associate:
buffalo at houston OVER 47.5 (3 nuts)
BUFFALO +11 at houston (3 nuts)
- bills 9 texans 21. -6 nuts.
miami at indianapolis UNDER 44 (3 nuts)
- dolphins 20 colts 23. +3 nuts.
had a hard time narrowing down my picks this week. i also like (in order) ravens, cowboys, over in jersey, over in nawlins, panthers... over in atl, steelers... bengals, over in dc.
- week 9 results: 1-2. -3 nuts.

not your type:
MIA @ IND +1.5 (3 nuts)
DET -5.5 @ JAX (3 nuts)
TB +1.5 @ OAK (4 nuts)
3-0, +10 nuts


records through week 8:
known associate: 11-12-1. +1 nut (last week:1-2, -3 nuts)
nyt: 10-14, -15 nuts
billy rubin: 9-15, -17 nuts (last week: 2-1, +3 nuts)

College Football Week 10 Picks

skipped week 9 due to baseball.
known associate:
washington at CALIFORNIA -4 (1 nut)
sorry, couldn't resist.
- huskies 21 golden bears 13. -1 nut.
should've resisted.
was at CAL -2.5 2H (1 nut)
- huskies 14 golden bears 6. -1 nut.
not really sure how cal didn't cover either of these plays. oh wait, that's right.. zack maynard.
saturday..
ALABAMA -7 at lsu (2 nuts)
- tide 21 tigers 17. -2 nuts.
oregon at usc OVER 71 (2 nuts)
- ducks 62 trojans 51. +2 nuts.
week 10 results: 1-3. -2 nuts.

2012 NCAA Record through week 8:
known associate: 15-14-1. -6 nuts (week 8: 2-2, +1 nut)
Blue Whale: 1-5. -12 nuts

NFL Week 8 Picks

Not Your Type

NE -7 @ STL (3 nuts)
MIA @ NYJ -1 (2 nuts)
SD @ CLE +3 (2 nuts)
2-1, + 3 nuts

known associate:
atlanta at PHILADELPHIA -3 (3 nuts)
- falcons 30 eagles 17. -3 nuts.
MIAMI +1 at new york jets (3 nuts)
- dolphins 30 jets 9. +3 nuts.
WASHINGTON +4.5 at pittsburg (3 nuts)
- redskins 12 steelers 27. -3 nuts.
next biggest plays are cowboys and patriots
- week 8 results: 1-2, -3 nuts.

billy rubin:
guess i'm too late for the morning games, so i'll pick from the later games.
NO +6 @ DEN (3 nuts)
NYG -2.5 @ DAL (3 nuts)
SF @ AZ u38 (3 nuts)
as for the morning games, i really like(d) ATL +3 @ PHI and under in SEA @ DET, and to a lesser extent overs in JAX @ GB, SD @ CLE and MIA @ NYJ, and CHI -7.2 vs CAR.

2-1, +3 nuts

records through week 7:
known associate: 10-10-1. +4 nuts (last week:1-1-1, -2 nuts)
nyt: 8-13, -18 nuts
billy rubin: 7-14, -20 nuts (last week: 1-2, -4 nuts)

NFL Week 7 Picks

Not Your Type

I will blame this week's failures on making picks at 4:00 AM.  Here they go:

WAS +6 @ NYG (5 nuts)
CLE @ IND -1.5 (3 nuts)
TEN +3.5 @ BUF (2 nuts
3-0, +10 nuts

known associate:
BALTIMORE +7 at houston (4 nuts)
- ravens 13 texans 43. -4 nuts.
WASHINGTON +6 at new york giants (2 nuts)
- redskins 23 giants 27. +2 nuts.
ARIZONA +7 at minnesota (1 nut)
- cardinals 14 vikings 21. push.
also playin cle, jac, over in hou, over in buf.
and over in cin.
- known associate week 7 results: 1-1-1, -2 nuts.

billy rubin:
BAL +7 @ HOU (4 nuts)
CLE +1 vs IND (3 nuts)
WAS +6 @ NYG (3 nuts)

1-2, -4 nuts

records through week 6:
known associate. 9-9. +6 nuts. (last week: 2-1, +7 nuts)
nyt: 5-13, -28 nuts
billy rubin: 6-12, -16 nuts (last week: 0-3, -7 nuts)

College Football Week 7 & 8 Picks

known associate:
week 7 (10/13)...
morning...
TEXAS +3.5 vs oklahoma @dallas (1 nut)
- longhorns 21 sooners 63. -1 nut. dumb bet.
iowa st +12.5/under 54.5 TEASER (1 nut)
- wildcats 27 cyclones 21. +1 nut.
noon...
stanford at NOTRE DAME -7 (2 nuts)
- cardinal 13 fighting irish 20 (overtime). lucky push.
night...
ohio state at INDIANA +18.5 (2 nuts)
- buckeyes 52 hoosiers 49. +2 nuts. ea$y.
south carolina at LSU -3 (1 nut)
- cocks 21 tigers 23. -1 nut.
south carolina at LSU -1.5 FIRST HALF (1 nut)
- cocks 7 tigers 3. -1 nut.
week 7 results: 2-3-1. no nuts.

week 8...
posting here since i'm only playing a few and don't have time for writeups.
SOUTH CAROLINA +3.5 at florida (1 nut)
- cocks 11 gators 44. -1 nut. dumb bet.
NEW MEXICO STATE +31 at utah state (2 nuts)
- aggies 7 aggies 41. -2 nuts.
good thing i forgot to place this bet.
cincinnati at TOLEDO +6 (2 nuts)
- bearcats 23 rockets 29. +2 nuts.
good thing i also took em moneyline.
and cal might be the big game play but i have promises to keep re: tedford and maynard.
good thing i kept my promise.
added by text to Blue Whale...
ucf at MEMPHIS +24 (2 nuts)
- knights 35 tigers 17. +2 nuts.
good thing i added.
week 8 results: 2-2, +1 nut.

2012 NCAA Record through week 6:
known associate: 11-9. -7 nuts (last week: 3-2, +2 nuts)
Blue Whale: 1-5. -12 nuts

Get In Your Skin Like a Dermatologist

A$AP Rocky is nothing new to the blogosphere and neither is his fellow A$AP Mob member A$AP Ferg, who just happens to be my favorite new rapper of 2012. He's a borderline lyrical genius. Listening to his verses is like listening to an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo...if Eddie was on lean and listened only to mid-90s Memphis rap. Not to take anything away from the rest of A$AP Mob, but Fergie's songs/verses are the clear highlights of the A$AP catalog in my opinion. With that in mind, I decided to make a little greatest hits mix of all the Ferg songs and features I have. Nothing too fancy, just some easy listening crazy ass rapping. Check out the mix here.

Image via who-shot-ya.com

NFL Week 6 Picks

Not Your Type

DAL @ BAL -3.5 (4 nuts)
Edgar Allen Poe's Favorite Avian Creatures will be the ones who shot JR...if they could shoot guns and if JR were the opposite team.  Then they would go to jail but be acquitted of any wrongdoing.  

 STL + 5.5 @ MIA (3 nuts)
The Mountain Sheep have been making a habit of winning when they aren't expected to win.  Happy Water Mammals may not be so happy after this game.

OAK @ ATL over 49 (3 nuts)
The Southern Birds of Prey can score 49 all by their lonesome.  Let's see if the Pillagers of Fortune feel like contributing.
1-2, -4 nuts

known associate:
GREEN BAY +3.5 at houston (5 nuts)
- packers 42 texans 24. +5 nuts.
DALLAS +3.5 at baltimore (3 nuts)
- cowboys 29 ravens 31. +3 nuts.
new york giants at san francisco OVER 46 (1 nut)
- giants 26 49ers 3. -1 nut.
also like broncos, raiders, skins, over in houston
- week 6 results: 2-1. +7 nuts.

Blue Whale:
over in atlanta, patriots, jets (3 nuts each)

Billy Rubin:
patriots (3 nuts), cardinals, vikings (2 nuts each)

0-3, -7 nuts

records through week 5:
known associate. 7-8. -1 nut. (last week: 0-3, -8 nuts)
nyt: 4-11, -24 nuts
billy rubin: 6-9, -9 nuts (last week: 1-2, -3 nuts)

NFL Week 5 Picks: Greg Halman Edition

click here for a fascinatingly tragic read. then let noted bipolar schizophrenic Daniel Johnston cheer you up some...

as for NFL, i'm considering laying nuts on the following, in order:
chiefs, skins, aints, pack, panthers, browns, and under in jax.

known associate:
atlanta at WASHINGTON +3 (3 nuts)
i liked the skins even before i read the weather report. rg3 and the ground game will control the tempo while matt ryan will wish he was by the fire, sippin white wine with his gay lover. skins win straight up but i'll gladly take the field goal.
- falcons 24 redskins 17.  -3 nuts.
can't cap injuries but i guess it was only a matter of time before rg3 got hurt.

the titans will probably be my second biggest play but i'll wait it out in hopes of a favorable line move.
TENNESSEE +6 at minnesota (3 nuts)
- titans 7 vikings 30. -3 nuts.
i havent watched this game yet but it's probably safe to call this a dumb bet.

CLEVELAND +8 at new york giants (2 nuts)
- browns 27 giants 41. -2 nuts.
i still think this was a decent bet. let me explain. browns were driving deep in giants territory with a couple minutes left in the half, up 17-10. on 3rd and 1, with arguably the beastliest of current NFL backs at their disposal, they call a pass play. the pass is picked and the giants score a td soon after. on the ensuing kickoff, josh cribbs breaks free for a long return but fumbles the ball at the very end. giants score another td soon after. on the ensuing possession, with little time on the clock, the browns play it aggressively and try to score. they fail and also fail to run out the clock. giants get the ball back with a few seconds left and, thanks to a bullshit defensive PI call (ball was uncatchable) on what shouldve been the last play of the half, convert a field goal to end the half. so... instead of being up 20-10 (or even 24-10), browns end the half down 17-27. that's at least a 20 point swing right there. all in the span of a couple (game) minutes. i guess bad things happen to bad teams but still...

known associate week 3 results: 0-3. -8 nuts.

billy rubin:
it's 5:30am and i hope i am not making bad decisions...

HOU -9 @ NYJ (3 nuts): i feel very strongly about this. i know it's a primetime game and the jets really have something to prove after the niner game, but they're just too bad and houston is too good.

BUF @ SF o45 (3 nuts): speaking of the niners, i think the spread is pretty spot on, but buffalo can score points so the niners will have to do so also in order to beat the bills by 10 points or so. a defensive touchdown for the niners is highly likely, i'd say.

CHI @ JAX u40.5 (3 nuts): this could be a crazy game, but i've got to believe that the bears defensive is too much for blaine gabbert to handle. i just hope he doesn't throw four pick 6s or something and screw this all up.

1-2, -3 nuts

i also like DEN +6.5 @ NE, TEN @ MIN o44 and ATL -3 @ WAS. to a lesser degree: GB @ IND u48, MIN -6 vs TEN and SEA +3 @ CAR.

fresh off the jack off session, blue whale's mind is clear for some sunday morning mackshun:

Philadelphia at PITTSBURGH -3.5 (3 nuts)  coming off a bye at full strength Pittsburgh Steelers easy cover against mediocre Eagles who had a divisional win off of the Giants last week.
Eagles 14 Steelers 16 I cannot stand the incompetence of the AFC north.  -3 nuts

Atlanta at WASHINGTON +3 (3 Nuts) I like the many factors in favor for the Redskins in the this matchup.  Mother Nature, the 'skins ground game proper and Atlanta not in a dome.  The team with the natural run game will come out on top in this matchup up.
Falcons 24 Redskins 17 Valient effout by young Cousins who was way over his head.  You cant predict injuries for it is 9 and O.  - 3 nuts

Cleveland at New York Gz -8 (3 nuts) New York humiliated on National TV by a divisional foe.  Giants were their own worst enemy as they gave the gameaway against the Eagles.  The public love fading the Giant's in this matchup as the the line now has been bogged down from -10 to -8.  A low scoring affair and the Giants will be triumphant 27-3.
Brown 27 Giants 41 It was a high scoring affair after all. +3 units

not a good start in the morning.  I also went with Baltimore -6.  Bounce back in the lunchtime with these picks Jacksonville +6.5, New England -6 and Buffalo +10.  No nuts just saying.

Not Your Type

Vice @ WKRP In -3 (3 nuts) Crocket and Tubbs will succumb to Loni Anderson's B.A.Ts to the tune of at least 4.  Yes, I mean Battle Android Troopers.

PHI @ PIT over 44 (3 nuts) Are we talking about crimes committed(alleged or actual) by their respective QB1's?

BAL @ KC +6 (3 nuts) My gut is telling me to go with the Chiefs.  It is also telling me that I have to drop a former Saints running back whose last name is McAllister.
1-2, -3 nuts


record through week 4:
known associate. 7-5. +7 nuts.
billy rubin: 5-7. -6 nuts.
blue whale. +10 nuts
nyt 3-9, -21 nuts

College Football Week 6 Picks

known associate:
usc at UTAH +14 (1 nut)
back on the primetime homedog. also, utes coach kyle whittingham is 12-2 after an open date and 19-6 after a loss. trojans should win but i'm thinking they won't cover the spread.
- trojans 38 utes 28. +1 nut.
utes stormed out to a 14 point lead but still needed to sneak in through the backdoor after a late trojan pick 6 put the cover on life support. usc might have a better receiving corps (WRs and TEs) than a handful of NFL teams. decent bet.

pittsburg at SYRACUSE -2 (1 nut)
these teams seem evenly matched and both are coming off a bye. but the orange are coming off a loss (in which they committed 4 turnovers and 10 penalties) and playing at home in a must-win game. i'll take a shot.
- panthers 13 orange 14. -1 nut.
probably should've mentioned that i always take moneylines up to -130 for non blog pick purposes. 

lsu at florida UNDER 41.5 (1 nut)
laying off a side because i see a typical SEC slugfest that could be decided by a big defensive play. hopefully those defensive plays don't lead to too many TDs.
- tigers 6 gators 14. +1 nuts. ea$y.

georgia at SOUTH CAROLINA -1 (2 nuts)
what i said earlier about moneylines.
- bulldogs 7 gamecocks 35. +2 nuts. ea$y.

texas -0.5 and south caroina +6 TEASER (1 nut)
not feelin the LVH texas line (-7.5) for blog purposes but i do like the longhorns.
- cocks covered easily but... mountaineers 48 longhorns 45. -1 nut.

known associate week 6 results: 3-2. +2 nuts.

2012 NCAA Record through week 5:
known associate: 8-7. -9 nuts
Blue Whale: 1-5. -12 nuts

NFL Week 4 Picks

Not Your Type

I am not done blaming the replacement officials for my crummy record in picking games.  With that said, here's three more losers:

Cincinnati -1.5 @ Jacksonville (3 nuts)

Seattle -2.5 @ St. Louis (3 nuts)

Miami @ Arizona -4 (4 nuts)
1-2, -4 nuts

blue whale
It is time to come on with the come on and get down with the get down.  Off top...

New England Patriots -4 at Buffalo Bills (3 nuts)
must win situation for different reasons.  New England cannot go three losses in a row and Buffalo needs to be one up on the Pats in this series.  Belicheck will pull everything out of the playbook to cover on the road.
Patriots 52 Bills 28 Easy like Sunday Morning.. Vintage Belicheck running up the score with straight cockiness.  (3 nuts)

San Francisco 49ers at New York Jets +4 (3 nuts)
need to stop frontin and hand the rock to Bilal Powell.  I am a little bit concerned about McKnight playing in Revis' spot.  But this indicates that the Jets are desperate and will do anything for a win 49ers 34 Jets 0 I didnt expect a route.  I thought Sanchize was going to show up at home in front of the crowd against the cream of the crop.  You can categorize Santonio Holmes in the bitch section for that fumble.  It look like he got back handed by Madea in one of Tyler Perry's movies. (-3 nuts)

Tennessee Titans at Houston Texans -13 (3 nuts)
Damn that line jump from 11.5 to 13 is a bit discerning.  But homefield advantage and the Titans atrocious D should allow the Texans to have their way with them.
Titans 14 Texans 38 Locker was taken out of this game early.  Would he have made a difference who know's the positive is that Chris Johnson finally came through.  Is it because the lanes have been open and the defense respected Hassleback's arm?  Nonetheless it another win under my belt. (3 nuts)

...defensive coordinator for the Arizona Cardinals Ray Horton is hard. 

blue whale's week 4 results 3 nuts

known associate:
seattle at ST. LOUIS +2.5 (4 nuts)
- seahawks 13 rams 19. +4 nuts.
carolina at atlanta OVER 47 (2 nuts)
- panthers 28 falcons 30. +2 nuts.
SAN DIEGO -2.5 at kansas city (3 nuts)
- chargers 37 chiefs 20. +3 nuts.
dolphins and jags in the afternoon.
- miami should've won straight up.

known associate week 4 results: 3-0. +9 nuts. 

billy rubin:
these got erased somehow, but here are my picks:
san diego -2.5 @ kansas city (3 nuts)
san diego @ kansas city over 43 (3 nuts)
SD 32 KC 20. +6 nuts
seattle -2.5 @ st. louis (2 nuts)
SEA 13 StL 19. -2 nuts
Week: 2-1 +4 nuts
Season: 5-7 -6 nuts

records through week 3:
known associate. 4-5. -2 nuts.
nyt: 2-7, -17 nuts

College Football Week 5 Picks

known associate:
STANFORD -6.5 at washington (1 nut)
the trees' disciplined physicality will prevail over a banged up huskies squad. just a nut though... cuz primetime homedogs ain't nuttin to fuck wit. most times, at least.
- cardinal 13 huskies 17. -1 nut.
the trees held a (late) 10 point lead before the huskies ran off 14 unanswered. shoulda layed off a side. the under was the play.

saturday games to follow...
arizona state at CALIFORNIA +1.5 (4 nuts)
critical game for the bears and coach tedford. sun devils are overvalued having faced only backup QBs thus far.
- sun devils 27 golden bears 17. -4 nuts.
last time i pick zaff tednard, promise.

also...
OREGON STATE +3 at arizona (1 nut)
- beavers 38 wildcats 35. +1 nut.
my one nut ncaa plays are now 7-2.

known associate week 5 results:  1-2. -4 nuts.

Blue Whale texted in:
baylor at west virginia OVER 85 (3 nuts)
Bears 63 Mountaineers 70  Two high powered offenses and two bust ass defenses.  Geno Smith has definitely established himself as one of the top Qb prospects in the college nation and upped his votes in the Heisman Candidacy despite playing inferior competition.  Hopefully he can overcome the Pat White stigma in the NFL.  On a side note WVU has not covered the spread in the past weeks.  Their offenses will keep them ahead but their defenses allow the back door. (3 nuts)

tennessee at GEORGIA -14 (3 nuts)
Vols 44 Bulldogs 51 To me Georgia St. is an underrated college football team they dont get the national attention of Bama LSU and newly third ranked Florida St. Seminoles.  they can hang with the best of them. On a wagering standpoint, maybe 50/50 when it comes against the spread.  They are my pick to head to the bowl. Them and USC. (-3 nuts)

mississippi at ALABAMA -30.5 (3 nuts)
Rebels 14 Tide 33 31 points is too much of a large spread.  I did not do any research in this game.  I just gambled on the superioirty of Roll Tide and homefield advantage.  I did not take into account that it is a divisional game and bama has convered the past four weeks. (-3 nuts)

2012 NCAA Record through week 4:
known associate: 7-5. -5 nuts
Blue Whale: 0-3. -9 nuts

image via bleacherreport.com

NFL Week 3 Picks: Marisa Miller Edition

because she's a niner fan.

Billy Rubin texted:
49ERS -7 at minnesota (3 nuts)
SF 13 MIN 24. -3 nuts
buffalo at BROWNS +3 (3 nuts)
BUF 24 CLE 14. Late cover by BUF, but a loss nonetheless. -3 nuts
TEXANS -1.5 at denver (2 nuts)
HOU 31 DEN 25. +2 nuts
Week: 1-2 -4 nuts
Season: 3-6 - 10 nuts 

known associate:
small morning plays on the under in miami, over in new orleans, bears, bucs and titans.
back in a bit to nut up.
- chi, tb, ten all covered. the over pushed and the under lost, both in OT.

atlanta at CHARGERS -3 (3 nuts)
i'm still not buying the falcons as an elite team. the broncos handed them the ball 4 times (while they commited no turnovers of their own) yet only won by 6, at home. plus, it's rough going west after an east coast MNF game. the last time a team covered in this dynamic was 1998.
- falcons 27 chargers 3. -3 nuts. 
the falcons are an elite team.

houston at BRONCOS +2 (2 nuts)
von miller and elvis dumervill provide the first big test for this texans o-line. also, peyton manning angry.
- texans 31 broncos 25. -2 nuts.
this marked the first time since peyton's rookie season that he didn't cover as a home dog. teasers covered though.. yay.

PATRIOTS +3 at baltimore (3 nuts)
speaking of angry. motivated pats team have been profitable in the brady/belichick era (21-11-1 ATS as underdog, 11-1 ATS as a dog coming off a loss). i'll take tom and bill with a week to adjust to the loss of aaron hernandez.
- patriots 30 ravens 31. +3 nuts.
replacement ref ineptitude was on full display in primetime but i'll take the result. the bet covered while torrey smith was raised up on angel's wings to lead his team to victory.
known associate week 3 results: 1-2. -2 nuts.

Not Your Type texted:
FALCONS +3 at san diego (3 nuts)
LIONS -3.5 at tennessee (3 nuts)
new england at RAVENS -3 (3 nuts)
2-1, +3 nuts

and Blue Whale texted:
atlanta at CHARGERS -3 (3 nuts)
Falcons 27 Chargers 3 I assumed that the Falcons would falter on the road.  With the return of Ryan Mathews, I thought the the Chargers would have the final piece in the offense that would make them competent in the scoring game.  It is clear that San Diego is missing a true stud wide reciever or tight end. (-3 nuts)

pittsburg at RAIDERS +3.5 (3 nuts)
Steelers 31 the Greatness 34 ballsy pick on my part.  Too much action on Pittsburgh to not take the
Raiders.  Kudos for McFadden for coming through, God Bless to DHB.  (3 nuts)

eagles at cardinals UNDER 42 (3 nuts)
Eagles 6 Cardinals 27 the way the Cardinals defense has been performing at home, I thought that they were good enough to stop the Eagles putrid offense.  In turn, I did not trust Kolb's arm and decision making to overcome any opponent.  (3 nuts)

blue whale's week 3 results 3 nuts

record through week 2:
known associate. 3-3. no nuts.

College Football Week 4 Picks

known associate:
(texted the first two to Blue Whale earlier)
louisiana tech at ILLINOIS -3 (2 nuts)
- bulldogs 52 fighting illini 24. -2 nuts. dumb bet.

CLEMSON +14.5 at florida state (1 nut)
- tigers 37 seminoles 49. +1 nut. 
tigers lost a 14 point lead then snuck in through the backdoor. the over was the play. plenty speed and skill on offense: watkins, hopkins, thompson, wilder, ellington, manuel, boyd...

utah at arizona state UNDER 50 (1 nut)
- utes 7 sun devils 37. +1 nut.

week 4 results: 2-1. 0 nuts.

2012 NCAA Record through week 3:
known associate: 5-4. -5 nuts
Blue Whale: 0-3. -9 nuts

College Football Week 3 Picks: Lindsay Myhre Edition

his chin looks like coed puss.

known associate:
Washington State at UNLV +8.5 (1 nut)
cougars aren't good enough to be laying more than a TD on the road. plus it's on espn and home dogs usually fare well under the bright lights.
- cougars 35 rebels 27. +1 nut. 
it took a few tries but the rebels finally slithered through the backdoor late. then mike leach's horrid clock management afforded them a try for a miracle tie at the very end. a degenerate play but a decent bet nonetheless.

florida at TENNESSEE -2.5 (4 nuts)
gators are too banged up to win a second straight game in a hostile environment. tyler bray and his playmaking wr duo headline a clearly superior vols offense while 6'6", 380lb (!) nose tackle daniel mccullers anchors an improving defense under first year dc (and saban disciple) sal sunseri.
- gators 37 volunteers 20. -4 nuts.
the vols were in control until the floodgates opened late in the 3rd quarter. cordarrelle patterson is a poor man's julio jones. justin hunter is a poor man's aj green. and the vols, as a whole, are a poor man's SEC powerhouse.

alabama at arkansas UNDER 53 (1 nut)
expecting ball control offense on both sides.
- crimson tide 52 razorbacks 0. +1 nut.
arkansas was considered a national title contender 3 weeks ago but has since been exposed, not only as a team but, as a program. that cheating bastard petrino done fucked 'em up.

cal at ohio state OVER 55 (1 nut)
this buckeye offense looks much improved under urban meyer, and they're only gettin better from here on out. the golden bears lost plenty on D but still have young beast keenan allen on O.
- golden bears 28 buckeyes 35. +1 nut.
ea$y, even with points left on the field. (cal's 3 missed FGs and 1 long TD called back due to an unnecessary illegal block.) maynard's crap is tolerable because without him there would be no keenan but i'm starting to think tedford needs to go. new blood for the new facilities. brendan bigelow impressed.

houston at ucla OVER 76 (2 nuts)
blue whale already sayin.
- cougars 6 bruins 37. -2 nuts. bad bet.

lean trees power over trojans finesse. dunno if i'll nut up though.
btw, we'll be using Las Vegas Hilton lines from here on.

notre dame at MICHIGAN ST -5.5 (1 nut)
spartans veteran D over a young qb making his first start on the road. le'veon got some twinkle toes for a big back.
- irish 20 spartans 3. -1 nut. bad bet.

known associate week 3 results: 3-3. -4 nuts.
i need to manage my nuts more wisely. and i shoulda played the trees. trojans couldn't even wait until the mnc game to get outmuscled. no team looks unstoppable at this point. not even the tide.

blue whale:
let us keep it PAC 12

USC Trojans -9 at Palo Alto Cardinals (3 nuts)
Three seasons in a row, Luck had his way with the Trojans.  Finally he is gone and the Trojans have a shot of beating the Cardinals and well.  Never mind the fact that they have to travel cross country to Palo Alto, fatigue is not an option for three things are on Coach Kiffin's mind: revenge, BCS and running up the score to stay up in the rankings.  That Trojan defense is young and suspect, but i think the USC offense is good, er great, enough to blow this game wide open.  I might make a small play on the over but no nuts on it.
- Trojans 14 Cardinals 21. wow the Trojan's BCS bowl hopes have been crushed by Stepfan Taylor who to me is as vanilla as a colored college running back can get. 

The Holy War BYU Cougars -3.5 at Utah Utes (3 nuts)
Utes quarterback Jordan Wynn was being thought as a contender just like other Pac 12 qbs Barkley and Price.  Now that he is gone for the season and he was an important part of the offense.  Usually these match ups are low scoring and play close to the vest.  Both defenses are stout, but without Wynn, The Utes lost to a lowly Utah St last week in overtime.
- Cougars 21 Utes 24. cougars missed 2 ...2! field goals that might have helped me out here... but oh know I forgot about the hook. 

Houston University Cougars at UCLA Bruins over 76 (3 nuts)
whoa that LA Tech pick was the steal, it's true that the Cougars are going through a transition right now in offensive coordinator.  My bet is going towards that they get it going after the second week. Especially against a surging UCLA team that is on fire right now and can be scored on. I do expect a high scoring affair with point contributions coming from both sides.
- Cougars 6 Bruins 37 I was right about the bruins.  I did not take into account that Houston would sit down this game.  I am 0 and 3...I need to go back to school.


2012 College Record through week 2:
known associate: 2-1. -1 nut

image via SI.com

NFL Week 2 Picks

loving the early start for Thursday Night Football this year. more opportunities to be a degenerate.

known associate:
i got my ass handed to me in week 1 but can't stop, won't stop...

CHICAGO +5 at green bay (2 nuts)
i don't exactly love this play but, at this point, i'm not sure there are 3 plays i'll like more this week. here are my reasons (in no particular order):
- packers are overrated. apparently, the public still envisions this team as the juggernaut they were for most of the past 2 seasons but it's looking more and more like they've been exposed (past 5 games: 1 ATS win, 3 straight up losses). and it's looking like the formula is this: good pass rush + good run d out of base or nickel/dime packages + play secondary deep. niners executed this perfectly. bears have the personnel to do an adequate job. we'll see if mccarthy and rodgers finally adjust.
- greg jennings is banged up, possibly out.
- packers secondary made alex smith look like aaron rodgers and only had 3 days to fix their problems.
- without a pass rush, packers d is ordinary at best. 2012 first round draftee, and supposed pass rush specialist, nick perry hasn't shown up yet.
- pretty sure the rival bears have been prepping for this matchup all summer after getting swept by the pack last season.
fade or follow. bears team total over 23 might be a safer bet, if available.
this is jay cutler's wifey...

- da bears 10 pack 23. -2 nuts
can't stop, won't stop... losing. both o-lines played like crap but rodgers is rodgers and cutler is cutler. and the packers didn't need nick perry because clay matthews played like it was 2010. still, if the fake FG touchdown and/or brandon marshall drop in the endzone went the other way my actual bet (chi +6.5) might've covered. that's what i'm telling myself, at least. but this was a lay off game, at best. bleh.

2 more picks to follow...
shit, almost forgot.
BAL +3 at phi (2 nuts)
HOU -6.5 at jac (3 nuts)
don't feel too great about these.
- and both hit. +5 nuts.
known assoicate week 2: 2-1. +3 nuts.

billy rubin:

man, i'm glad i'm lazy and i didn't pick chicago as one of my three picks because i thought that was a no-brainer. turns out, you need to have no brain to trust jay cutler with your hard-earned greenbacks. this is a pretty tough week with a few marquee matchups that oddsmakers appear to be right on about and a bunch of garbage games where all types of ridiculousness might happen. that said, i gotta make three picks and here they are:

BAL +2.5 @ PHI (3 nuts): come on now, seriously? am i missing something here. philly has a good D, but they could barely muster enough points to beat the browns last week. i'm sure this is too good to be true, but, damn, ain't much else this week.

BAL @ PHI under 46.5 (3 nuts): umm, two good defenses and one mediocre, maybe crappy offense? i'll take that.

BAL 23 PHI 24. Hit on the Ravens and the points; loss on the under by half a point. No net nuts. 

TEN +7 @ SD (2 nuts): yes, yes, banged up jake locker, titans on the road, blah, blah, blah. titans aren't awful and they're playing the chargers. this is about as good as it gets this week.

TEN 10 SD 38. Loss. Good lesson to re-learn every season: don't bet on a crappy offense to cover for you. -2 nuts

Week: 1-2 -2 nuts
Season: 2-4 -6 nuts 

blue whale says:

dang Jay Cutler's breezie is a straight up mynx.  No write ups with my picks today, I am shell shocked from the losses I took from Saturday's Collits Football Wagers.  When they interviewed Matt Barkley after the loss by Stanford Cardinals, that man looked like he wanted to cry...I was and am that man.

Kansas City Chiefs at Buffalo Bills -3 ( 3 nuts)
Chiefs 17 Bills 35.  a high scoring affair  in which young spiller churned out another outstanding game in Fred Jackson'S steed.  +3 nuts

Washington Redskins -3 at St Louis Rams (3 nuts)
Redskins 28 Rams 31 Greasy the Third could not pull enough tricks out of his repretoire to over come the home team. -3 nuts

New York Jets at Pittsburgh Steelers -5 (4 nuts)
Jets 10 Steelers 27 Steeltown needed this win for the home openner.  +4 nuts

Josh McDaniels is garbage so is Pete Carroll but at least he gave Marshawn the rock.  Cowboys and the Pats both came out flatter than Kate Middleton's exposed left and right breasts.  The NFC West has become the premier divivion and the Seattle secondary has next to nil competition.  When Russell Wilson took of his helmet to expose his good hair, two things ran across my mind: 1. Hindis across the globe finally can praise they have an American Football athlete to call their own and 2. Tubbs should stick to pastel suits and slip on shoes with no socks.  We have a Schism in the NFL  between Killer Cam and Greasy the Third.  The hardest runner this Sunday was Dwyer...everybody else had the cupcake matchups.

blue whale's week 2 results 4 nuts


Not Your Type

Somewhere in the outer-space are my week 1 picks.  Billy Rubin has proof that they exist.  I swear.

Arizona @ New England -13.5 (2 nuts) - This match up is based on the handsomeness of QBs.  I'm pretty sure that Tom Brady is 13.5 units better looking than Kevin Kolb. 

Cleveland @ Cincinnati Under 39.5 (3 nuts) - Can the Bengals score all 39 points?

 Washington -3.5 @ St. Louis (5 nuts) - RGIII will hurdle Rams players like there are foot-long turkey subs in the endzone en route to eating hella turkey and avocado and at least a 4 point victory.
0-3, -10 nuts



image via tylershields.com

NFL Week 1 Picks

Are you ready for some borderline racism???

The NFL is back and Barack Obama is a Muslim who hates farming. What more is there to say?

Here are our picks for Week 1:

billy rubin:

PHI @ CLE under 43 (2 nuts): Cleveland's football team is clearly named after Leroy Brown, because they are bad, bad, baddest team in the whole NFL perhaps. For what it's worth, which is probably nothing, this pick was almost over 47 in CAR @ TB.

NO -8 vs. WAS (3 nuts): Redskins will win the battle of face grease and having players that look like Three Stacks, but the Saints will win the battle of scoring a lot more points than your opponent.

DET -8.5 vs. STL (3 nuts): Pretty sure lions kill rams in the wilderness and even if that's not the case, it will be on the gridiron on Sunday.

known associate:
mia at HOU -12.5 (3 nuts)
- dolphins 10 texans 30. +3 nuts. ea$y.
stl at DET -8.5 (3 nuts)
- rams 23 lions 27. -3 nuts. stafford threw 2 red zone interceptions and another pick-6. that's at least a 13 point swing right there. bad beat. fisher is still a good coach though.
- sf at GB -4.5 (3 nuts)
niners 30 packers 22. -3 nuts. go niners! i'll never bet against jim harbaugh in week 1 again.

Blue Whale sayin late:

ALL MNF PICKS

NATI +6.5 at Balt
these games always play close to the vest.  And i might be crazy but Baltimore is a declining team especially in the secondary.  AJ green and rook Mohammed Sanu are going to run crazy all over that field.  I'm keeping my eye on baltimore rookies Tommy Streater from the U and Courtney Upshaw from the tide both have potential to contribute on their respective postions of the ball. ( 2 nuts)
i didnt account for the inept football security of young Dalton who fumbled the ball and over threw a pass for a pick six.  Also there was a terrible call on a boldin reception that should have been ruled an incompletion because he clearly did not have possession of the football as it touched the grass when he landed in the end zone.  Ravens looked scary good. -2 nuts
Diego at -1 The Town
i am going with the hometeam in this matchup and San Diego always starts the season on a slow and sour note. I love the Raiders Recievers, these boys have Hort (that's gangsterism for 'heart') plus its an extra added bonus that they drafted Juron Criner who was unhearalded coming out of the sun devils.  I expect DMC to have a good game and a good year.  (4 nuts) this was a garbage game that had no discipline of both teams on both sides of the ball.  I fooled my self thinking that Raiders were the better of the team.  - 4 nuts

Diego at The Town over 47.0
my fingers hurt (3 nuts) -3 nuts

but....from what i've seen on sunday: Panther's fadeable newton is exposed.  pete carroll is on some bullshit and he needs to invest in superglue for his recievers.  julio jones is the blue notes to matt ryan's Harold Melvin.  The Saints needed Vilma on D harder than a hog needs slop (nothing to take away from Greasy the Third).  Niners are the reason why Nortenos world wide are banging harder this season. and peyton Manning's multiple neck surgeries were a cover up to turn that dude into the quarterback version of Robocop, i mean he did all that without even grinning. word to Andre Ward.. more after monday night my good people.

2012 records through week 1:
known associate: 1-2. -3 nuts.
billy rubin. 1-2. -4 nuts.
Blue Whale: 0-3. -9 nuts.

ouch.

NCAA Football Week 2 Picks

known associate:
i made a few plays last week, splitting my 2 big wagers (alabama and cal) and profiting a tiny bit overall. gonna start documenting for week 2...
(using beteagle lines at time of posting)

USC -14.5 1st half at syracuse, played at metlife stadium (4 nuts)
i'm thinking the trojans make it through their schedule unscathed then lose to 'bama in the mythical national title game. lane kiffin and matt barkley should be in full swagger mode playing in front of them east coast writers, on a semi-big stage.
- trojans 14 orange 3 (final score 42-29). -4 nuts.
not enough swag. also, give me marqise lee over robert woods... but it's close.

auburn at MISSISSIPPI STATE -3 (2 nuts)
year 2 A.C. (after cam) brings coach chizik a tiger team heavy on youth but light on talent. i played safe (or dumb) and bought the hook for my real life wager since this should be a lower scoring SEC slugfest.
- tigers 10 bulldogs 28. +2 nuts. ea$y.

LOUISIANA TECH -3 at houston (1 nut)
the cougars are looking like a train wreck post case keenum era. (OC mike nesbitt was released after refusing to put the ball in star RB charles sims hands in a 17pt loss to texas state as 36 point faves.) methinks a veteran offense will lead the tech bulldogs to an easy cover.
- bulldogs 56 cougars 49. +1 nut. 
charles sims had a total of 32 touches as the cougars put up more of a fight than i expected

lean gators.
should've played it. but was too busy with this beast...

2012 collits record:
known associate. 2-1. -1 nut

final 2011 collits records:
known associate. 29-24. +8 nuts
Not Your Type. 0-1. -2 nuts
Blue Whale. 10-15. -17 nuts

They're watching...

via hypetrack

The Best Album of 2012 and Why the Niners Didn't Win the Super Bowl

I finally figured out why the Niners had to lose the NFC Championship. First of all, if they had beaten the Giants, like they should have, they would've gone on to handily defeat the Patriots and Tom Brady's handsomeness in the Super Bowl. Then I would have been super happy. But then two days later (today) the new Van Halen album would've come out and I would've listened to it and found out that it sounds like vintage David Lee Roth-era Van Halen, which would've totally blown my mind. The Niners winning the Super Bowl and Van Halen making a legitimately great album in 2012 clearly would have combined to kill me with joy. Thus, the Niners had to lose because they didn't want me to die. Thank you, Kyle Williams, you saved my life.

Go buy A Different Kind of Truth by Van Halen right now, otherwise you don't love America.

Image via moviespad.com.

Soup or Crackers Sunday

This is it. The final weekend of the 2011-12 NFL season. Since there's only one game this week, we'll be making just two picks, but still adhering to the minimum 7/maximum 10 nuts wagers. Here are our picks:

bill rubin:

So this is what it's all led up to: two teams I hate playing for all the marbles. Yay, go indifference!

Patriots -3 vs. Giants (3 nuts): Both teams are flawed, which is just the state of the NFL these days. Neither team is the Niners, which sucks. Tom Brady is significantly more handsome than Eli Manning, and that's worth three points. In real life, I'd definitely buy the hook because I think this will come down to a field goal game after all the meaningless yardage is accumulated for both sides. Goddamn Tom Brady matching Joe Montana's jewelry though. But it doesn't matter, because Steve Young is the best ever anyway.

Under 53 (5 nuts): I should've locked this in earlier in the week when it opened at 55 or 55.5, whatever it was. I'm projecting Pats 27 Giants 23, so that's still under and I'm sticking with it. There's definitely the chance for a crazy shootout with two prolific passing attacks matching up against two porous defenses, but I think those rooting for the over will end up being disappointed when all is said and done.

known associate:
Patriots - 1 vs. Giants first half (5 nuts)
Under 54 (2 nuts)

billy rubin must've been a few beers in by the time i texted. my actual blog plays were (unfortunately):

PATRIOTS -3 (5 nuts)

UNDER 26.5 first half (2 nuts)

- giants 21 patriots 17 (9-10 halftime score). -3 nuts.

known associate's final 2011-12 nfl record:

25-34, -12 nuts. weak, like alex smith and wes welker.

previous seasons' records...

2010-11: 36-24-2

2009-10: 37-24-2

TV Review - Napoleon Dynamite

I know I should start with a spoiler alert, but after watching the first few minutes of Napoleon Dynamite, there are no plot points to spoil. So why bother?

Being that I am probably the only one out of my friends who has never seen the Napoleon Dynamite movie, I was very curious to see how this show would turn out, given its cult status and quote-iness. Disappointment is the only way that can describe the feeling of watching the first five minutes. It could be that since I didn't watch the movie, I don't understand the humor. If that is the case, then that would make what I saw the funniest shit on earth. But the funniest shit on earth had no comprehensible story. Three year olds tell a better story than what I figure dozens of adults had a hand in cobbling together.

The gold standard for basing an animated show on a cult movie is still Clerks. Although Clerks was short-lived, it managed to build its own cult status among TV shows. It certainly was a lot more funny and cohesive than Napoleon Dynamite is. I don't know whose cocks the creators of this series had to suck to get this turd on Fox, but they wasted their time and got their stomachs pumped full of semen for nothing. I hate to see people out of work, but this show has to be taken out back and Old Yeller'ed so it can run around on that far-off farm with Work It .

NFL Divisional Weekend

Three wins away from six. That is all.

Here are our picks for the Divisional Weekend:

known associate:

niners +3.5 vs saints (6 nuts)

giants +7.5 @ packers (2 nuts)

broncos +13.5 @ pats (2 nuts)

billy rubin:

niners +3.5 vs saints (6 nuts)

texans +7.5 @ ravens (2 nuts)

broncons +13.5 @ pats (2 nuts)

Not Your Type:

HOU +7.5 @ BAL (4 nuts)

NO @ SF +3.5 (4 nuts)

DEN @ NE over 50 (dos cacahuetes)

Hue-bris

Little tidbits of arrogance throughout this past season culminated in Hue Jackson getting the boot as the Head Coach of the Oakland Raiders. These two things are what I believe to be what sealed his fate: 1)He threw his players and coaching staff under the bus by heaping the blame on them for the horrible finish of the 2011 season. 2)He thought he should be involved in finding the next GM.

"Coach" Jackson should not have put his staff and team on blast like he did when he went on his rant after the San Diego game. Although there is probably some truth to what he said, ultimately, the performance on the field is up to the head coach. Hearing him go out of his way to say that he wasn't going to take one for the team would not make me want to play for him, work with him, or pay him. Eff all that.

When was the last time that you got hire your boss? If the answer to that question was "after the regular season was over", then you must be Hue Jackson on Fantasy Island. I do not know what his motivations were when he said that he wanted to help find the next GM, but it made me think one thing right away - Who does he think he is? Al Davis? John Madden? Amy Trask? Mark Davis?

If this were a Greek tragedy, Mr. Jackson would certainly be guilty of hubris. Look at how he built himself up and watched everything crumble at the end. Hue pissed off the gods (or possibly just the ghost of Al Davis) of the Oakland Raiders, and his ruin came swiftly.

Help Another Baby Doggy

I'm still not sure who, if anyone, reads this blog, but if you're reading this and you have a heart, please donate to Camp Cocker so they can help save a little puppy's life. You'll be helping to save his life, literally.

NFL Wild Card Weekend

Per known associate, first half bets are open in the playoffs since there will be fewer and fewer betting options as we progress.

known associate:

giants -3 vs. falcons (7 nuts)

saints first half -7 vs. lions (2 nuts)

bengals @ texans under 38 (1 nut)

billy rubin:

bengals +4 @ houston (2 nuts): of all the QBs involved in this game, i'd want andy dalton on my side. although, of all the RBs involved in this game, i'd want aryan foster on my side.

falcons +3 @ giants (2 nuts): gays can get married in new york, so why can't one win a football game there? well, i guess technically, matty ice will have to win in new jersey, but maybe if he does he can bed eli manning afterward.

steelers @ broncos under 33.5 (3 nuts): i should've locked this in earlier in the week when it was at 35. i like it a lot less now.

NYT

PIT @ DEN +8 (3 nuts)

These two teams should just play Rock/Paper/Scissors so that nobody gets hurt. Tebow's unorthodox R/P/S motion will be just enough for the Broncos to take this match-up.

PIT @ DEN under 33.5 (3 nuts)

Gimpy-legged QB vs gimpy-throwing-motion-having QB will result in less points than what Drew Brees can do by himself while he's hopped up on NyQuil.

ATL @ NYG over 47.5 (3 nuts)

Eli will look confused. Julio Jones will run fast. Victor Cruz will salsa dance while eating salsa after scoring a TD. The Dirty Bird will make a comeback. A bunch of points will be scored.

NFL Week 17

Here we are, face to face, a couple of silver spoons. It's the last week of the regular season and the first day of 2012. Good luck to everyone today and enjoy the last 350-something days of your life.

known associate:

niners -10.5 @ rams (3 nuts)

steelers -6 @ browns (2 nuts)

giants -3 vs. cowboys (2 nuts)

Not Your Type

CHI @ MIN -2 (1 nut)

BAL -2 @ CIN (6 nuts)

SD +3 @ OAK (3 nuts)

billy rubin:

niners -10.5 @ rams (3 nuts)

texans +2.5 vs. titans (2 nuts)

steelers @ browns u33.5 (2 nuts)