I finally figured out why the Niners had to lose the NFC Championship. First of all, if they had beaten the Giants, like they should have, they would've gone on to handily defeat the Patriots and Tom Brady's handsomeness in the Super Bowl. Then I would have been super happy. But then two days later (today) the new Van Halen album would've come out and I would've listened to it and found out that it sounds like vintage David Lee Roth-era Van Halen, which would've totally blown my mind. The Niners winning the Super Bowl and Van Halen making a legitimately great album in 2012 clearly would have combined to kill me with joy. Thus, the Niners had to lose because they didn't want me to die. Thank you, Kyle Williams, you saved my life.
Go buy A Different Kind of Truth by Van Halen right now, otherwise you don't love America.
Image via moviespad.com.
Go buy A Different Kind of Truth by Van Halen right now, otherwise you don't love America.
Image via moviespad.com.
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