Saturday, August 22, 2009

She Ain't Got No Alibi

Fuck NYC Prep and fuck this bitch. I really can't stand this show, mostly because I don't need or want to see allegedly filthy rich kids complain about stupid bullshit. Possibly because I'm jealous that I'm not a filthy rich kid. I'm only filthy, and not a kid anymore.

But back to the U-G-L-Y biatch "star" of the show - Jessie. What TV exec gave the green light to putting her face on TV? I'm afraid her face will break my TV screen. How rich are her parents, really? If I was as wealthy as I imagine they are, I'd have a plastic surgeon on retainer to fix my hideously frightening daughter's fucking ugly face. And an orthodontist and speech therapist, and an optometrist - they can fixed crossed eyes, right? And then possibly Dr. Jack Kevorkian.

She is the visual personification of an injured race horse, only the viewers are the ones in misery. Seriously, she looks like a giant cross-eyed Muppet. And she sounds like she eats rocks. I wonder if Dr. Teeth needs anybody to replace Janice. Jessie might scare Animal though.

I can't really feel too proud about writing any of this. This hideous beast of a woman, isn't really a woman at all, but a teenager. Nobody ever said that teenagers can't make my eyes burn though, or make my ears bleed like I was Ted Williams in Korea. Just when Reh Dogg made me think there might be a god after all, the mere existence of something so vomit-inducing as Jessie's face has once again convinced me that there is no higher being. If there is, he or she must be ugly as shit if Jessie was created in his or her image.

image via

Friday, August 21, 2009

Giant Cocktease

The Giant's pitching is like a hot-ass girl and their offense is the restraining order keeping you at least 200 feet away. Playoff blueballs is the result.

I'm going to hit a pop-up on the first pitch I see. Go Giants!!!!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

This Dude Sucks

welcome to the first in what will hopefully be a series of posts about professional athletes who suck. not on penises (although we can't rule that out), but just at their jobs as professional athletes. maybe they're not the worst players around, but they likely represent stupid acquisitions for their respective teams or are over-rated by the general public. and we have taken it upon ourselves to shed light on their general shittiness.

up first, aaron rowand, a bum if ever there was one. aaron rowand had a career year on a phenomenal world series championship team in 2007. for the most part, rowand batted fifth in lineup that featured 2007 MVP jimmy rollins, shane victorino, chase utley, and 2006 MVP ryan howand ahead of him in that order. rowand was usually followed in the lineup by pat burrell. without doing any specific research, it is more likely than not that rowand often was hitting with batters on base. 

the phillies played their home games at citizens bank park. gives citizens bank park a park factor of 104 for hitting, indicating that it favors hitters (100 is neutral). baseball prospectus gave citizens bank park a park factor of 1022 in 2007, with 1000 being the neutral baseline. basically, the park is a slight hitters park. also, 2007 happened to be a contract year for rowand, meaning he had extra motivation to put up some great numbers. 

taking into account all of the preceding factors, it's no wonder rowand had a terrific statistical season in 2007. in fact, among the 17 full-time starting (500+ plate appearances) centerfielders in 2007, rowand ranked second in batting average, third in on-base percentage and slugging percentage, and fourth in runs, home runs, and RBI. he also turned in a .995 fielding percentage, compared to the average for the 17 full-time starters of .990 (although it is noted that fielding percentage is a pretty useless metric). further, he was paid $4.35 million in 2007, which compares favorably to the average for the larger group of $5.51 million. however, it should be noted that 2007 was rowand's age 29 season, whereas the average age for a full-time starting centerfielder in 2007 was 28. 

so then what happened in the off-season? the san francisco giants gave him a five-year, $60 million contract, making rowand the third highest paid full-time starting centerfielder in 2008, trailing only carlos beltran and torii hunter. but for a guy who ranked in the top 5 at his position in almost every meaningful statistical category the prior year, surely such a contract is reasonable, right? that must've been the rationale employed by brian sabean, the giants GM.

now with new contract in hand, what did aaron rowand do in 2008, his first year with the giants? he went out and turned in just about the most average season possible. among the 20 qualifying full-time starting centerfielders, rowand ranked 18th in runs, 13th in home runs, 10th in RBI, ninth in batting average, 10th in on-base percentage and 12th in slugging percentage. basically, he was the best of the worst among starting centerfielders, although you can't solely blame rowand for ranking near the bottom in runs and RBI - the giants' offense was awful in 2008. that's not rowand's fault, that's sabean's fault for putting together a miserable team. on the defensive side, rowand had a .991 fielding percentage, compared to the average of .990. however, he did have the second highest range factor, which is a function of putouts and assists per inning played. it should be noted that the average salary for full-time centerfielders in 2008 was $3.21 million, less than half what the giants paid rowand. and the average age for full-time starters was 26, while 2008 was rowand's age 30 season. so the giants were grossly overpaying for a remarkably average, aging centerfielder.

but maybe 2008 wasn't the real aaron rowand, you say. after all, new team, new city, new home ballpark, surely he should be granted some sort of mulligan for the associated adjustment period. he was only average anyway, it wasn't like he was the worst full-time starter (just the most overpaid).

so what has the 2009 MLB season brought for aaron rowand? more absurdly mediocre production. among the 21 full-time starting centerfielders with 350 or more plate appearances to date, rowand ranks 19th in runs, 15th in home runs, 13th in RBI, 11th in batting average, 14th in on-base percentage and 11th in slugging. and he's only making about three times the average salary for full-time starters. he's also four years older than the average starter's age. and his one redeeming quality form 2008, his range factor, has declined to 2.44, well below the average of 2.60. 

while it may be too early to definitively say so, it definitely appears that rowand is on the decline. unfortunately, his annual contract payments are following an opposite trend: rowand's salary increases to $12 million for the 2010 through 2012 seasons. by the time rowand's contract expires he'll be 34 and likely won't be worth starting, or even playing at all, let alone $12 million. 

there's also the empirical evidence from just watching rowand play: booting balls in the outfield, swinging at the first pitch regardless of the situation, popping up with runners in scoring position. what's the matter with rowand? HE'S A BUM!

sure, he gives the giants a veteran presence. he's also been on successful teams. he's been remarkably healthy, which has to count for something, right? or would you rather have your hopelessly average (and declining) centerfielder get hurt so you can try and get someone more productive out there? eh, we giants fans probably won't find out until 2013 or so, if the world lasts that long

image via

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Day Old News 8/13/09

Government data shows that retail sales dropped in July. My guess is that little Safe N' Sane devil on the side of all those fireworks shacks is swimming in a bunch of Walmart's money...On a related note, video game sales saw a significant drop in July. Video games should see a recovery come Christmas time, since summer usually means a lull in big time games. If they want to speed up that recovery, the industry should hit that question marked square floating in the sky and then jump on the mushroom that comes out....Kate Gosselin, of Jon & Kate Plus 8 fame, says her marriage is definitely over. George Bush, of Presidential fame, says his term as president is over as well...80's movie "classic" St. Elmo's Fire is being brought to the small screen as an hour-long drama. I think the show will star Elmo, from Sesame Street, as a man trying to get to heaven by tickling people. I can't wait to see it...Former Atlanta Falcon QB Michael Vick has signed with the Philadelphia Eagles. Dog lovers would say he's for the birds...

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Sic Mike Vick

i hate mike vick. i would imagine my dog would hate him too if he was aware of what mike vick's done to other dogs, or at least what mike vick's friends did to other dogs on vick's dime. also, i don't think mike vick should get another chance in the nfl, and i'm not even close to convinced that he's paid his debt to society. i think dog fighting, and the way that the bad news kennels' dogs were allegedly put to death, is nothing short of psychotic. but i'm a dog lover, so most of my opinions on the matter can probably be written off as irrational...or can they?

a recent article notes that, based on the most up-to-date research, a dog is basically "a toddler with a snout and tail". that may seem like hyperbole, but one researcher stated that dogs have "developmental abilities equivalent to a human 2-year-old". so mike vick and his boys were basically killing little kids. that's how i see it. the article goes on to say that recent research indicates that dogs can learn 165 words on average, count up to four or five (which is probably more progressions that vick can work through as a quarterback), and dogs can think and solve problems. further, dogs can "experience fear, anger, happiness and disgust". i wonder what emotions the bad newz kennels' dogs felt most often.

maybe we as a society need to reconsider how generally supportive we've been of mike vick. maybe tony dungy should get his head out of his ass. would someone who funded (and may have participated in) the mass murder of two-year-old humans be given another shot at life on the outside? or maybe we should collectively say "fuck it" and start training babies to fight to the death. and then whichever little babies lose we smash their heads into walls. or put them in standing water and electrocute them. then after that maybe we can all seek to become multimillionaires and play sports before millions of fans every week.

somewhere somebody is fiddling.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Ever vigilant in the fight against things I don't know about


I was invited to contribute to this blog by my esteemed colleagues after a long and thorough search by them for others to help out in this endeavor.

I have sent random samples with no subjects from several anonymous e-mails to various newspapers, magazines, book publishers, movie studios, television executives, and a lady that lives fours doors down from me to no avail in getting a real writing assignment. This is the most legitimate opportunity that's been granted to me so far. I plan to blind you with my deftly authored posts and pummel your thoughts with the fists that will be the messages I deliver. I will turn your gray matter into red, green, yellow, purple, and black and blue matter because you will be thinking so hard and so deep. So deep, in fact, that the depths can only be measured in light years, because there is no measuring device long enough to extend as far as I will take your mind and only math equations can solve what I have planned to unleash onto all those who feel they are intellectually challenged enough to not only read this sentence and all others the have come before or after but can also follow that they are superior to all beings not reading everything on known associates and knowing that a simple sentence cannot communicate the idea that the concise message of read this blog can say.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

This dude is no joke...except that maybe he is a joke

recently known associates stumbled upon one of the greatest human beings of all time. his name is reh dogg and he is either a genius or developmentally challenged, or both. regardless he makes timeless music about myriad subjects that everyone can relate to, including: taking a homeless boy under your wing only to have them continuously betray you, unrequited love of asian women, more rejection by asian women, how barack obama is the anti-christ, and complicated math equations.

thank you, reh dogg, my faith in humanity has been restored.

image via cafepress.