TV Review - Napoleon Dynamite

I know I should start with a spoiler alert, but after watching the first few minutes of Napoleon Dynamite, there are no plot points to spoil. So why bother?

Being that I am probably the only one out of my friends who has never seen the Napoleon Dynamite movie, I was very curious to see how this show would turn out, given its cult status and quote-iness. Disappointment is the only way that can describe the feeling of watching the first five minutes. It could be that since I didn't watch the movie, I don't understand the humor. If that is the case, then that would make what I saw the funniest shit on earth. But the funniest shit on earth had no comprehensible story. Three year olds tell a better story than what I figure dozens of adults had a hand in cobbling together.

The gold standard for basing an animated show on a cult movie is still Clerks. Although Clerks was short-lived, it managed to build its own cult status among TV shows. It certainly was a lot more funny and cohesive than Napoleon Dynamite is. I don't know whose cocks the creators of this series had to suck to get this turd on Fox, but they wasted their time and got their stomachs pumped full of semen for nothing. I hate to see people out of work, but this show has to be taken out back and Old Yeller'ed so it can run around on that far-off farm with Work It .

NFL Divisional Weekend

Three wins away from six. That is all.

Here are our picks for the Divisional Weekend:

known associate:

niners +3.5 vs saints (6 nuts)

giants +7.5 @ packers (2 nuts)

broncos +13.5 @ pats (2 nuts)

billy rubin:

niners +3.5 vs saints (6 nuts)

texans +7.5 @ ravens (2 nuts)

broncons +13.5 @ pats (2 nuts)

Not Your Type:

HOU +7.5 @ BAL (4 nuts)

NO @ SF +3.5 (4 nuts)

DEN @ NE over 50 (dos cacahuetes)

Hue-bris

Little tidbits of arrogance throughout this past season culminated in Hue Jackson getting the boot as the Head Coach of the Oakland Raiders. These two things are what I believe to be what sealed his fate: 1)He threw his players and coaching staff under the bus by heaping the blame on them for the horrible finish of the 2011 season. 2)He thought he should be involved in finding the next GM.

"Coach" Jackson should not have put his staff and team on blast like he did when he went on his rant after the San Diego game. Although there is probably some truth to what he said, ultimately, the performance on the field is up to the head coach. Hearing him go out of his way to say that he wasn't going to take one for the team would not make me want to play for him, work with him, or pay him. Eff all that.

When was the last time that you got hire your boss? If the answer to that question was "after the regular season was over", then you must be Hue Jackson on Fantasy Island. I do not know what his motivations were when he said that he wanted to help find the next GM, but it made me think one thing right away - Who does he think he is? Al Davis? John Madden? Amy Trask? Mark Davis?

If this were a Greek tragedy, Mr. Jackson would certainly be guilty of hubris. Look at how he built himself up and watched everything crumble at the end. Hue pissed off the gods (or possibly just the ghost of Al Davis) of the Oakland Raiders, and his ruin came swiftly.

Help Another Baby Doggy

I'm still not sure who, if anyone, reads this blog, but if you're reading this and you have a heart, please donate to Camp Cocker so they can help save a little puppy's life. You'll be helping to save his life, literally.

NFL Wild Card Weekend

Per known associate, first half bets are open in the playoffs since there will be fewer and fewer betting options as we progress.

known associate:

giants -3 vs. falcons (7 nuts)

saints first half -7 vs. lions (2 nuts)

bengals @ texans under 38 (1 nut)

billy rubin:

bengals +4 @ houston (2 nuts): of all the QBs involved in this game, i'd want andy dalton on my side. although, of all the RBs involved in this game, i'd want aryan foster on my side.

falcons +3 @ giants (2 nuts): gays can get married in new york, so why can't one win a football game there? well, i guess technically, matty ice will have to win in new jersey, but maybe if he does he can bed eli manning afterward.

steelers @ broncos under 33.5 (3 nuts): i should've locked this in earlier in the week when it was at 35. i like it a lot less now.

NYT

PIT @ DEN +8 (3 nuts)

These two teams should just play Rock/Paper/Scissors so that nobody gets hurt. Tebow's unorthodox R/P/S motion will be just enough for the Broncos to take this match-up.

PIT @ DEN under 33.5 (3 nuts)

Gimpy-legged QB vs gimpy-throwing-motion-having QB will result in less points than what Drew Brees can do by himself while he's hopped up on NyQuil.

ATL @ NYG over 47.5 (3 nuts)

Eli will look confused. Julio Jones will run fast. Victor Cruz will salsa dance while eating salsa after scoring a TD. The Dirty Bird will make a comeback. A bunch of points will be scored.

NFL Week 17

Here we are, face to face, a couple of silver spoons. It's the last week of the regular season and the first day of 2012. Good luck to everyone today and enjoy the last 350-something days of your life.

known associate:

niners -10.5 @ rams (3 nuts)

steelers -6 @ browns (2 nuts)

giants -3 vs. cowboys (2 nuts)

Not Your Type

CHI @ MIN -2 (1 nut)

BAL -2 @ CIN (6 nuts)

SD +3 @ OAK (3 nuts)

billy rubin:

niners -10.5 @ rams (3 nuts)

texans +2.5 vs. titans (2 nuts)

steelers @ browns u33.5 (2 nuts)