The Best Album of 2012 and Why the Niners Didn't Win the Super Bowl

I finally figured out why the Niners had to lose the NFC Championship. First of all, if they had beaten the Giants, like they should have, they would've gone on to handily defeat the Patriots and Tom Brady's handsomeness in the Super Bowl. Then I would have been super happy. But then two days later (today) the new Van Halen album would've come out and I would've listened to it and found out that it sounds like vintage David Lee Roth-era Van Halen, which would've totally blown my mind. The Niners winning the Super Bowl and Van Halen making a legitimately great album in 2012 clearly would have combined to kill me with joy. Thus, the Niners had to lose because they didn't want me to die. Thank you, Kyle Williams, you saved my life.

Go buy A Different Kind of Truth by Van Halen right now, otherwise you don't love America.

Image via moviespad.com.

Soup or Crackers Sunday

This is it. The final weekend of the 2011-12 NFL season. Since there's only one game this week, we'll be making just two picks, but still adhering to the minimum 7/maximum 10 nuts wagers. Here are our picks:

bill rubin:

So this is what it's all led up to: two teams I hate playing for all the marbles. Yay, go indifference!

Patriots -3 vs. Giants (3 nuts): Both teams are flawed, which is just the state of the NFL these days. Neither team is the Niners, which sucks. Tom Brady is significantly more handsome than Eli Manning, and that's worth three points. In real life, I'd definitely buy the hook because I think this will come down to a field goal game after all the meaningless yardage is accumulated for both sides. Goddamn Tom Brady matching Joe Montana's jewelry though. But it doesn't matter, because Steve Young is the best ever anyway.

Under 53 (5 nuts): I should've locked this in earlier in the week when it opened at 55 or 55.5, whatever it was. I'm projecting Pats 27 Giants 23, so that's still under and I'm sticking with it. There's definitely the chance for a crazy shootout with two prolific passing attacks matching up against two porous defenses, but I think those rooting for the over will end up being disappointed when all is said and done.

known associate:
Patriots - 1 vs. Giants first half (5 nuts)
Under 54 (2 nuts)

billy rubin must've been a few beers in by the time i texted. my actual blog plays were (unfortunately):

PATRIOTS -3 (5 nuts)

UNDER 26.5 first half (2 nuts)

- giants 21 patriots 17 (9-10 halftime score). -3 nuts.

known associate's final 2011-12 nfl record:

25-34, -12 nuts. weak, like alex smith and wes welker.

previous seasons' records...

2010-11: 36-24-2

2009-10: 37-24-2

TV Review - Napoleon Dynamite

I know I should start with a spoiler alert, but after watching the first few minutes of Napoleon Dynamite, there are no plot points to spoil. So why bother?

Being that I am probably the only one out of my friends who has never seen the Napoleon Dynamite movie, I was very curious to see how this show would turn out, given its cult status and quote-iness. Disappointment is the only way that can describe the feeling of watching the first five minutes. It could be that since I didn't watch the movie, I don't understand the humor. If that is the case, then that would make what I saw the funniest shit on earth. But the funniest shit on earth had no comprehensible story. Three year olds tell a better story than what I figure dozens of adults had a hand in cobbling together.

The gold standard for basing an animated show on a cult movie is still Clerks. Although Clerks was short-lived, it managed to build its own cult status among TV shows. It certainly was a lot more funny and cohesive than Napoleon Dynamite is. I don't know whose cocks the creators of this series had to suck to get this turd on Fox, but they wasted their time and got their stomachs pumped full of semen for nothing. I hate to see people out of work, but this show has to be taken out back and Old Yeller'ed so it can run around on that far-off farm with Work It .

NFL Divisional Weekend

Three wins away from six. That is all.

Here are our picks for the Divisional Weekend:

known associate:

niners +3.5 vs saints (6 nuts)

giants +7.5 @ packers (2 nuts)

broncos +13.5 @ pats (2 nuts)

billy rubin:

niners +3.5 vs saints (6 nuts)

texans +7.5 @ ravens (2 nuts)

broncons +13.5 @ pats (2 nuts)

Not Your Type:

HOU +7.5 @ BAL (4 nuts)

NO @ SF +3.5 (4 nuts)

DEN @ NE over 50 (dos cacahuetes)

Hue-bris

Little tidbits of arrogance throughout this past season culminated in Hue Jackson getting the boot as the Head Coach of the Oakland Raiders. These two things are what I believe to be what sealed his fate: 1)He threw his players and coaching staff under the bus by heaping the blame on them for the horrible finish of the 2011 season. 2)He thought he should be involved in finding the next GM.

"Coach" Jackson should not have put his staff and team on blast like he did when he went on his rant after the San Diego game. Although there is probably some truth to what he said, ultimately, the performance on the field is up to the head coach. Hearing him go out of his way to say that he wasn't going to take one for the team would not make me want to play for him, work with him, or pay him. Eff all that.

When was the last time that you got hire your boss? If the answer to that question was "after the regular season was over", then you must be Hue Jackson on Fantasy Island. I do not know what his motivations were when he said that he wanted to help find the next GM, but it made me think one thing right away - Who does he think he is? Al Davis? John Madden? Amy Trask? Mark Davis?

If this were a Greek tragedy, Mr. Jackson would certainly be guilty of hubris. Look at how he built himself up and watched everything crumble at the end. Hue pissed off the gods (or possibly just the ghost of Al Davis) of the Oakland Raiders, and his ruin came swiftly.

Help Another Baby Doggy

I'm still not sure who, if anyone, reads this blog, but if you're reading this and you have a heart, please donate to Camp Cocker so they can help save a little puppy's life. You'll be helping to save his life, literally.

NFL Wild Card Weekend

Per known associate, first half bets are open in the playoffs since there will be fewer and fewer betting options as we progress.

known associate:

giants -3 vs. falcons (7 nuts)

saints first half -7 vs. lions (2 nuts)

bengals @ texans under 38 (1 nut)

billy rubin:

bengals +4 @ houston (2 nuts): of all the QBs involved in this game, i'd want andy dalton on my side. although, of all the RBs involved in this game, i'd want aryan foster on my side.

falcons +3 @ giants (2 nuts): gays can get married in new york, so why can't one win a football game there? well, i guess technically, matty ice will have to win in new jersey, but maybe if he does he can bed eli manning afterward.

steelers @ broncos under 33.5 (3 nuts): i should've locked this in earlier in the week when it was at 35. i like it a lot less now.

NYT

PIT @ DEN +8 (3 nuts)

These two teams should just play Rock/Paper/Scissors so that nobody gets hurt. Tebow's unorthodox R/P/S motion will be just enough for the Broncos to take this match-up.

PIT @ DEN under 33.5 (3 nuts)

Gimpy-legged QB vs gimpy-throwing-motion-having QB will result in less points than what Drew Brees can do by himself while he's hopped up on NyQuil.

ATL @ NYG over 47.5 (3 nuts)

Eli will look confused. Julio Jones will run fast. Victor Cruz will salsa dance while eating salsa after scoring a TD. The Dirty Bird will make a comeback. A bunch of points will be scored.

NFL Week 17

Here we are, face to face, a couple of silver spoons. It's the last week of the regular season and the first day of 2012. Good luck to everyone today and enjoy the last 350-something days of your life.

known associate:

niners -10.5 @ rams (3 nuts)

steelers -6 @ browns (2 nuts)

giants -3 vs. cowboys (2 nuts)

Not Your Type

CHI @ MIN -2 (1 nut)

BAL -2 @ CIN (6 nuts)

SD +3 @ OAK (3 nuts)

billy rubin:

niners -10.5 @ rams (3 nuts)

texans +2.5 vs. titans (2 nuts)

steelers @ browns u33.5 (2 nuts)

My Favorite Albums of 2011

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

NFL Week 16

Not Your Type

DET -2 @ SD (4 nuts)

MIN @ WAS -5.5 (3 nuts)

DEN -3 @ BUF (3 nuts)

known associate:
GIANTS +2.5 at jets (4 nuts)
chargers at lions OVER 52.5 (3 nuts)
dolphins at patriots OVER 49 (2 nuts)

billy rubin:
i woke up late so i'm stuck with the late games. plus, i haven't really put much time and effort into my projections this week. these picks are gonna be caca, buyer beware.

chargers +1 @ lions (2 nuts)

chargers @ lions over 52.5 (3 nuts)

niners -1.5 @ seahawks (2 nuts) - go niners!

NFL Week 15

Not Your Type

CAR @ HOU -6 (3 nuts)

BAL -2.5 @ SD (4 nuts)

DET -1 @ OAK (3 nuts)

known associate:
PACKERS -11.5 at chiefs (3 nuts)
the reverse line movement is a concern but bad teams usually fare poorly after a coaching change. the chiefs are a bad team.

panthers at texans UNDER 45 (3 nuts)
superman hasn't faced a defense like houston's. texans offense will run the rock and the clock.

RAVENS -2.5 at chargers (4 nuts)
san diego has been feasting on garbage defenses. baltimore wins the line of scrimmage on both sides.

billy rubin:
saints -7 @ vikings (2 nuts): me thinks new orleans is due for a big win after barely beating the titans last week.

jets +3 @ eagles (3 nuts): eagles are weaksauce. jets will win outright.

ravens @ chargers under 44 (3 nuts): ravens D plus ravens O equals low scoring football.

NFL Week 14

Not Your Type

BUF +7 @ SD (2 nuts)

NO - 3.5 @ TEN (3 nuts)

NE - 8 @ WAS (3 nuts)

billy rubin:

texans +2.5 @ bengals (3 nuts)

panthers +3 vs falcons (2 nuts)

niners -3.5 @ cardinals (2 nuts)

i'm not feeling very confident about any games this week, but i also kinda like raiders +12 @ packers. i just wish i had the balls to pick them.

known associate:
texans at bengals UNDER 37.5 (2 nuts)
bills at chargers OVER 49 (2 nuts)
GIANTS +4.5 at cowboys (5 nuts)

NFL Week 13

Not Your Type

CAR +2 @ TB (4 nuts)

TEN +2 @ BUF (3 nuts)

DEN -1 @ MIN (3 nuts)

billy rubin:

titans +2 @ buffalo (3 nuts): battle of the inconsistent mediocre teams.

bears - 7 vs chiefs (4 nuts): battle of the backups.

broncos -1 @ vikings (3 nuts): battle for our salvation. i wish i had locked this in when denver was still the underdog.

known associate;
ravens -7 (2 nuts)
cowboys -4.5 (2 nuts)
saints -8.5 (5 nuts)

Blue Whale:
bengals +7 (3 nuts)
redskins +3 (3 nuts)
texans +1.5 (3 nuts)

Collits Football 2011 Championship Week

known associate:
friday...
ucla at OREGON -17.5 1st half (2 nuts)
the bruins are on the verge of a historical season. recently ruled bowl eligible regardless of tonight's inaugural pac-12 championship game result, they stand a good chance of becoming the first ever team to finish with a 6-8 record. historical, i tell ya. ducks roll to the rose bowl.
- bruins 17 ducks 35 (final score 31-49). a pick-6 and last second FG for the other side wasn't enough to ruin the cover. wish i would've remembered to take the ducks team total. +2 nuts.



saturday...
oklahoma at OKLAHOMA ST -3 (2 nuts)
the pokes would be heading to the mnc game if not for an off-week upset loss to iowa state while the sooners have lost too much to injury. the weather is a slight concern.
- sooners 10 cowboys 44. +2 nuts.

TEXAS +3 at baylor (1 nut)
the longhorns are by far the best defense rg3 has faced. plus, betting underdogs with the better running game has been profitable and the bears' run d is dookie sauce.
- longhorns 24 bears 48. -1 nut.

considering wisky and lsu. already took both in a 7pt tease.
va tech vs CLEMSON +7 (1 nut)
- hokies 10 tigers 38. +1 nut.

championship week result: 3-1, +4 nuts.
also, tyrann mathieu, playmaker.


collits records through 12/3:
known associate. 29-24. +8 nuts
Not Your Type. 0-1. -2 nuts
Blue Whale. 10-15-1. -17 nuts

NFL Week 12

billy rubin:

ARI +2.5 @ STL (3 nuts): arizona is less worse than saint louis. congratulations!
- cards 23 rams 20. +3 nuts.

TEN -3 vs TB (3 nuts): the bucs sacked up last week against green bay, but they will be back to their sub-mediocre road tendencies this week and the miserable titans will take advantage.
- titans 23 bucs 17. +3 nuts.

DEN +5.5 @ SD (2 nuts): this might very well be the game where san diego plays a good game and ends up covering, but if that's not the case jesus will continue to run the option on water and turn high school football to professional wine.
- broncos 16 chargers 13. +2 nuts.

week 12: 3-0. +8 nuts.

i almost want to swap out the broncos for NE -3.5 @ PHI, but i like denver's odds a little bit more.

Not Your Type

HOU @ JAX +6.5 (2 nuts)

CAR -3.5 @ IND (5 nuts)

NE - 3.5 @ PHI (3 nuts)

known associate:
browns at BENGALS -7 (4 nuts)
STEELERS -10.5 at chiefs (2 nuts)
giants at SAINTS -7 (4 nuts)

records through week 11 (and week 11):
Billy Rubin: 18-13-2. +16 nuts (1-1-1. -1 nut)
Not Your Type: 15-18. +5 nuts (1-2. 0 nuts)
Blue Whale: 15-11-4. +5 nuts (2-0-1. +6 nuts)
known associate: 13-20. -19 nuts (0-3. -10 nuts)

Collits Football 2011 Week 13

known associate:
black friday...
arkansas at LSU -12 (1 nut)
- razorbacks 17 tigers 41. +1
boston college at MIAMI -13 (2 nuts)
also took both in a 2 team teaser.
- eagles 24 hurricanes 17. -2
week 13 result: 1-1, -1 nut.
was too hungover to post on saturday but i did manage to win some on 'bama straight and a usc/stanford tease (which didn't need to be teased on either end).

collits records through week 13:
known associate. 26-23. +4 nuts
Not Your Type. 0-1. -2 nuts
Blue Whale. 10-15-1. -17 nuts

NFL Week 11

Not Your Type

PHI @ NYG -5 (5 nuts)

Rumor has it that Boyz II Men is going to start for the Eagles in Vick's and Maclin's places. The Giants better win big.

SD @ CHI -3.5 (4 nuts)

Bears D will go Yogi Bear all over the Chargers like they are a pick-a-nick basket, Booboo.

BUF +2 @ MIA (1 nut)

I am going to pick the Bills until they win me some nuts.

known associate:
COWBOYS -7 at was (5 nuts)
PANTHERS +7 at det (3 nuts)
tb at PACKERS -14 (2 nuts)
smaller plays on stl, ne, mia, the overs in chi and min.

blue whale:

for those of you who pay attention to collits football...it is getting interesting.

MEMPHIS TENN TITANS +6.5 at Atlanta Falcons (2 nuts)

Chris Johnson heating up

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS +14 at Lambeau Field(4 nuts)

90% on Packers

NATI BENGALS +7 at Baltimore Ravens(4 nuts)

i give honor to underrated defenses

love panthers, patriots and the bills. And after tomorrow Ya Boy Vince Young

billy rubin:

titans+6 @ falcons (2 nuts): my projections have the titans winning straight up, so i'll take the points and hope for the best
- titans 17 falcons 23. push.

jags @ browns under 34.5 (3 nuts): i've got a 16-14 game here, which would be great, but coldhardfootballfacts has a 6-2 game, which would be even greater!
- jags 10 brows 14. +3 nuts.

packers -14 vs tampa (4 nuts): aaron rodgers at home versus tampa secondary on the road. 'nuff said.
- packers 35 bucs 26. -4 nuts.

week 11: 1-1-1. -1 nut.

records through week 10 (and week 10):
Billy Rubin: 17-12-1. +17 nuts (2-1. +3 nuts)
Not Your Type: 14-16. +5 nuts (1-2. -2 nuts)
Blue Whale: 13-11-3. -1 nut (1-2. -6 nuts)
known associate: 13-17. -9 nuts (2-1. +4 nuts)

Collits Football 2011 Week 12

known associate:
morning...
louisville at UCONN -1 (1 nut)
- cardinals 34 huskies 20. -1
kansas at TEXAS A&M -31 (1 nut)
- jayhawks 7 aggies 61. +1
noonish...
penn st at OHIO ST -6.5 (1 nut)
- nittany lions 20 buckeyes 14. -1
navy at SAN JOSE ST +6.5 (1 nut)
- midshipmen 24 spartans 27. +1
also minimum play on the osu beavers at home.
primetime...
virginia at FLORIDA ST -17 (1 nut)
- cavaliers 14 seminoles 13. -1
usc at oregon OVER 69.5 (1 nut)
- trojans 38 ducks 35. +1
known associate week 12 result: 3-3, 0 nuts.


collits records through week 12:
known associate. 25-22. +5 nuts
Not Your Type. 0-1. -2 nuts
Blue Whale. 10-15-1. -17 nuts

NFL Week 10

BUF +5.5 @ DAL (3 nuts)

PIT @ CIN +4 (2 nuts)

HOU -3.5 @ TB (3 nuts)

blue whale be sayin:
Denver Broncos +3 at Kansas City Chiefs 2 nuts
I am not fond of Tebow. He does not make anybody around him better. It was either the Raiders caught themselves slipping disrepecting his arm by allowing him to throw or Denver's stable of wide receivers can catch..well. I am interested to see how he fares against the Chiefs who will be loading up the box to stop the run. Denver is the better team here. The NFL wants Tebow to succeed.
Memphis Tenn Titans at Cack Panthers -3.5 3 nuts
Off a bye week at home. This should be a high scoring affair. Chris Johnson is slowly showing some pizzazz. Cam Newton should be able to throw and run all over the Tennessee D.
Nawlins Saints at ATL Falcons PK 5 nuts
A win at home will put the Dirty Birds 1st place in the NFC south. In the dome they are unstoppable. Who has the Saints beat? Falcons had an impressive win over Detroit and convinced me that it is not Tampa Bay, but Atl that is gonna take their division. FYI Tampa Bay is gonna win at home against Houston.

billy rubin:

there are a lot of games i kinda like this week, but none i really love. so, here goes nothing:

texans -3.5 @ bucs (3 nuts): tampa is better, maybe even decent at home, but houston is better in general and playing well of late. the arian should assert his racial superiority over his foes.
- texans 37 bucs 9. + 3 nuts.

saints pk @ falcons (2 nuts): the saints seem to be an on-again-off-again team this year, and they were on last week, which would imply they'll be off this week. but, they're playing an average-at-best defensive team in atlanta and they're in a dome, so i like the saints' chances of eking out a win this week.
- saints 26 falcons 23. + 2 nuts.

bengals +4 vs steelers (2 nuts): the bengals, like my niners, have been covering machines this year, and i think they match up well against a not-elite steelers team. i actually think there's a decent chance the bengals win this one outright, although the steelers should come to play after losing to baltimore last week.
- bengals 17 steelers 24. - 2 nuts.

week 10: 2-1. +3 nuts.

i also kinda like buffalo, denver, detroit, jacksonville, niners and the jets.

known associate:
SAINTS PK at falcons (4 nuts)
TEXANS -3.5 at bucaneers (2 nuts)
giants at 49ers UNDER 42.5 (2 nuts)

records through week 9 (and week 9):
Billy Rubin: 15-11-1. +14 nuts (3-0. +10 nuts)
Not Your Type: 13-14. +7 nuts (2-1. +4 nuts)
Blue Whale: 12-9-3. +5 nuts (3-0. +9 nuts)
known associate: 11-16. -13 nuts (2-1. +3 nuts)

Collits Football 2011 Week 11

joe paterno jerry sandusky penn state child sex abuse scandal anal butt rape
known associate:
morning...
nebraska at PENN STATE +3.5 (1 nut)
for the children.
- huskers 17 pedophile state nittany lions 14 (+1 nut)
irreverent image notwithstanding, this penn state situation is some fucked up shit. here's a good read on it. it's even gooder when you consider it was written 7 months ago. why did it take this long for the authorities to press charges and the story to break nationally? yea, i'm sure the timing of joepa's 409th win (two weeks ago) to break eddie robinson's record for career wins had nothing to do with it. these fucks chose penn state football over the victims for as long as they damn could; leaving a monster free and able to roam, rape and pillage more boy's buttholes. a damn shame.

this game ended in the best possible result as far as i'm concerned. my bet covered while the nittany lions lost. let's hope the curse of the boy rapes lives on.

MICHIGAN STATE -2.5 at iowa (1 nut)
for sparta.
- spartans 37 hawkeyes 21 (+1 nut)

noonish...
looking at illini, noles, smurf turfs. and waiting on zona team total.
michigan at ILLINOIS PK (1 nut)
passed on fsu, zona team total wasnt offered. minimum wager on boise.
- wolverines 31 fighting illini 14 (-1 nut)

afternoon and primetime...
tennessee at ARKANSAS -16.5 (1 nut)
- volunteers 7 razorbacks 49 (+1 nut)
oregon team total OVER 35 (1 nut)
as blue whale listed below, the ducks have some fresh names on offense. stanford, meanwhile, has a stepfan. i also like the ducks for the game but i'll just roll with a 7 pt teaser (with ark) in addition to the team total because this really just might be the cardinal's year.
- ducks 53 trees 30 (+1 nut)
known associate week 11 result: 4-1. +3 nuts

'pokes for the mnc...


blue whale:
Wakeforest Demon Deacons at Clemson -16.5 2 nuts
Two weeks to prepare, Tahj and company should come out hard.
Texas Long Horns at Mizzou +1 2 nuts
Kentucky at Vanderbilt -13.5 2 nuts
commodores have 6th rank defense, they have been impressive the past two weeks.
Auburn at Georgia -12 2 nuts
return from decline. Bulldogs get their running back back.
are you gonna pick luck and an injured offense over flash and flare? I mean LeMichael , d'anthony , Kenjon, Lavasier, etc., etc...Im also feeling the fightin Illi over Michigan. two players on my radar for this week is Georgia St. running back Isaiah Crowell and Oregon St. wideout James Rodgers.

blue whale week 11 result: 3-1. +4 nuts

collits records through week 11:
known associate. 22-19. +5 nuts
Not Your Type. 0-1. -2 nuts
Blue Whale. 10-15-1. -17 nuts